It's been really hard to work up enthusiasm to blog. Truth be told, there isn't enthusiasm to do much of anything except putter around and hang out with my husband as much as possible. He deploys later this month, but we still don't have an actual date.
Nathan and I have been married over 25 years and, up until he joined the Army, the longest we'd ever spent apart was three weeks. People ask me how I'm doing. Well...
I'm up and down, as you might imagine. Only the up isn't really up, it's just higher than the down. Somedays the up is actually near normal. I'm a fairly positive person and my moods do not swing as a general rule, but I'm emotionally seasick.
I'm preplanning lonliness, but I've never done this before. I need to go grocery shopping, but how much food should I get? How much food will I need for just me? When do we contact the phone company to get Nathan's cell turned off, or the insurance company to cancel him off the cars? When he's not sleeping on the other side of the bed, should I wash sheets like normal, or sleep half the time on my side of the bed and half on his so I can cut down on laundry?
I have a countdown in my head. This will be the last movie, the last baseball game, the last BBQ, the last time he takes garbage out for me. Except, since we still don't have a firm date, is it really the last? It's like being pregnant. You know the general time frame, but the exact date is elusive. The major difference is you are losing a family member instead of gaining one, so the expectation isn't deeper joy but wider lonliness.
I'm trying to store up memories. Dinner last Sunday was to celebrate my October birthday; dinner this Sunday for our anniversary.
I'm trying not to dread it. My battle buddy has been through two deployments. Her advice has been to plan one thing every month I'll really enjoy. I'll be leaving to visit family for the first month after Nathan's departure. I'm looking forward to seeing them, but the usual anticipation - the way the days drag on until you can do this fun thing - is tempured by the deployment and how the days are flying way too fast.
And coloring all of it is the knowledge God will uphold me and teach me things I would not be able to learn any other way. Having lived through past pain, I can't say I'm looking forward to it, but I do know hardship draws me closer to my Lord in a way no other experience can.
So...that's how I'm doing. If you figure it out, please let me in on it!
Until next time,